40+ Experts Reveal: Avoid Politics Chat To Avoid Lifelong Family Rifts This Election Season
This study started out as an informal research project inspired by social media posts of fights over Monopoly, UNO, and other types of board and card games. However, it gradually evolved into a serious and insightful examination into the state of family disputes in the US, and the increasingly divisive nature of politics causing lifelong family crises.
The team at CoolOldGames.com painstakingly interviewed more than 40 leading experts, specializing in diverse fields ranging from psychologists to family law firms, either on the phone or in interview format online. Their mission – to get to the bottom of family disputes in the 21st century.
We found out that the cliched image of families falling out during those occasional family gatherings in the Holiday season or for family events holds true in real life. But the cause of those disputes is typically something entirely different.
Key Findings
- Politics is a more divisive topic in the US today than it has ever been. And experts say it is not just debated between strangers from different backgrounds. Political differences divide families more than ever. Of the 32 contributors who mentioned politics, 25 believe it has become significantly more divisive in recent times. Many recommend it not to be discussed at all in a family setting.
- Other common causes of friction are the same issues that have divided families for generations. The most commonly cited triggers for family disputes were addiction, substance abuse and money worries.
- Family disputes over seemingly trivial matters can run deep and long. In fact, squabbles over matters that seem trivial to outsiders can last anywhere from 15 years to a lifetime, according to 23 of the 26 experts who commented on the length of disputes.
- Unresolved issues, value differences, unrealistic expectations, and past hurts are among the other primary causes of family disputes, as revealed by the experts.
💬 “I’ve seen “trivial” family conflicts last over 50 years due to not ever addressing the dispute.”
Margaret Pendergrass, LCSW, GC-C (https://www.roswellgriefcounseling.com)
Disparate World Views Causing Family Tension
There was a wide breadth of expertise and experience in play among our panel of experts. But despite their varying perspectives, our deeper analysis of their answers using a machine learning algorithm showed certain subjects coming up again and again.
While it might be phrased in different ways, it comes down to politics and worldviews rapidly moving towards becoming the number one issue. Perhaps an even more interesting question is why. Certainly, these are politically divisive times, but no more so than at a dozen or more other points in American history, from the time of Lincoln to Hoover to Kennedy to Reagan, to name just a handful.
The difference is that none of those previous administrations took place in the information age. People’s political views were shaped partially by their acquaintances and what they read in the newspapers, but mostly by their nearest and dearest.
Today, 24/7 news, web resources, and social media provide an information overload. Is it any wonder that families are less cohesive in their political and world views than they were in the time of Kennedy, Reagan, or even Clinton?
Main Causes of Disputes
These were the most commonly cited causes of family disputes in modern America. Of course, in real cases, disputes will often overlap between different categories – for example, many unresolved intergenerational issues could stem from value differences.
The influences and inputs of the modern world mean that every individual is likely to forge his or own path that leads to wider gulfs between family members than was common in the past. That is very much a feature of the 21st-century world. However, the importance of exercising tolerance and having an open mind towards other viewpoints is nothing new. But perhaps it is something we could all get better at doing.
| Cause | Count |
|---|---|
| Unresolved issues (mainly parents/in-laws/intergenerational) | 15 |
| Value differences (politics/religion/worldviews) | 14 |
| Unrealistic expectations (lack of communication) | 12 |
| Past hurts (resentments/emotional wounds) | 10 |
| Family dynamics (favoritism/jealousy/power struggles) | 7 |
| Financial stress (money-related issues) | 6 |
| Addiction (substance use) | 5 |
| Holiday stress (gatherings) | 5 |
| Parenting differences (child custody) | 3 |
| Relationship boundaries (differing approaches) | 2 |
| Mental health (issues) | 2 |
| Lack of acceptance (of differences) | 2 |
| Identity differences (gender/sexual orientation/new relationships) | 2 |
| Misinformation (misperceptions) | 1 |
| Behavioral disagreements (handling family members) | 1 |
| Sibling rivalry (growing apart) | 1 |
| Assumptions (about family members) | 1 |
| Trivial issues (from unresolved problems) | 1 |
| Insecurity (unacknowledged/unrepaired hurt) | 1 |
Inspirational Advice For Families Looking For Harmony
💬 “After surviving the holiday rollercoaster, the mere thought of revisiting family conflicts can seem like opening an unsolvable can of worms. While giving everyone a breather is wise, avoiding the issue altogether may not be the best strategy. Here are some tips by experts on how to attempt to solve your gridlocked family issues.
Melissa Shaw
- Take time to understand your own emotions and perspectives.
Ask yourself: What do I want my family to understand? Why is this important to me? What am I afraid might happen? What else is this bringing up for me?
- Consider your family members’ perspectives.
Ask: What is my family trying to get me to understand about this situation? Why is this important to them? What are they feeling? What are they afraid might happen?
- Choose an appropriate method (talking or email) based on the situation.
- Begin the conversation by taking accountability for anything you did that may have contributed to the dispute. This disarms their defenses and builds so much trust.
- Share your understanding of their feelings using the insights gained from perspective-taking.
- DO NOT SKIP THESE STEPS. Seeing them first allows them to soften and open to your perspective.
- Use “I feel” statements to express your emotions and concerns.
Provide a structured explanation:
a) “I’d like you to understand that I…”
b) “This is important to me because…”
c) “I’m afraid that…”
- Be open to the possibility that you may it wrong and be curious about their perspective.
Encourage a two-way conversation by inviting them to share their thoughts and feelings.
- Focus on finding common ground and solutions rather than placing blame. Work together to identify compromises or steps to improve the situation.
- Understand that resolving family disputes may take time. Be patient and allow for gradual healing and understanding to occur.”
Sarah Murray, LCSW
Extended family can be tricky. You see them infrequently. If your reunion is flavored with dispute, it’s a long time before you have a chance to make a new memory. Try this: Plan for fun. Then get in and out quickly.
If your family enjoys tabletop games, get out the cards, then play a round of Simon Says, and finish up with tag and hugs. Then leave while you’re still catching your breath.
If your family enjoys the outdoors, plan a sledding adventure, followed by cocoa and cookies. Then leave while the glow of that fun is still warming your cheeks.
Each time I left my family members while we were still just enjoying the “hello” I planted that seed: It’s good to be together. And good to be apart. It’ll be good again.
Jay Boll, LMSW
It should be possible for family members with otherwise strong relationships to agree to disagree on politics. If families are breaking apart over politics there’s usually something else unhealthy going on beneath the surface.
Increased alcohol consumption at the holiday table tends to loosen tongues, so drink in moderation.
It can also help to have diversionary activities, such as board and card games, nostalgic holiday movies, and other fun family pastimes to keep people’s minds off of politics.
Dr. Tasha Seiter, MS, PhD, LMFT
https://marriage-counseling-fort-collins.com/
💬 “The best way to address a lingering family dispute is to gently but directly approach it. This means, don’t avoid the topic, but don’t approach it aggressively either. You can practice assertive communication by using the “soft start-up” technique from Gottman Method Therapy, putting your experience into this general structure:
I feel…
About what…
And I need…
Starting with an I-statement and focusing on your experience rather than turning to blame, you will be more likely to reach your family member rather than being met with defensiveness. And stating your needs directly gives your family member a clear way to help you feel better in the situation, avoiding the nervous system overwhelm that can happen to anyone when they feel confused about how to make a situation better.”
Fair Use: Any data here has been made freely available by Cool Old Games and the survey participants for use in the press but please do respect fair use and link back to this page if you use our research so your readers can see the original sources.